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Trying to recover from Calvinism


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I don't feel the same anymore, I having been trembling and crying for hours thinking maybe there is no hope.

I prayed and cried out to God if I was never predestined to begin with and there is nothing I can do or even chose then to just have me cease to exist, because I never of wanted to be created if I was just created to burn in hell.

I feel very confused, I believe Jesus died for me, but I get tormenting thoughts that maybe he didn't do it for me. And if thats true I don't know the purpose of life anymore, I know no matter what I do I can never please God, no amount of good works will ever amount and I don't deserve anything, I need his grace and forgiveness to be saved, and I keep getting thoughts maybe there is no grace for me because I'm not one of his elect.

You maybe will be surprised by this, and certainly I was too, I've been told by other professing "Christians" to kill myself, or that I probably have been predestined for hell anyways. I didn't want to believe that, and I am left confused what is the truth. 

I want the truth even if its going to hurt, I don't want to be delusional or believe in whatever I want, I want the truth and only that. But I'm not sure if I would ever get it no matter how much I pray or read the scriptures.

For most of today I was trembling in fear and confusion crying, praying and hoping to God.

If predestination is true, and if I happen not to be one of the elect, I don't want to live anymore there is no purpose, all I would be doing is heaping condemnation on myself with no chance.

Edited by Ramin
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1 Corinthians 1:21 KJV
For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe.

2 Timothy 2:3-4 KJV
Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. No man that warreth entangleth himself with the affairs of this life; that he may please him who hath chosen him to be a soldier.

Hebrews 11:6 KJV
But without faith it is impossible to please him : for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

To be blunt, pre-destination is ridiculous, it seems quite obvious that this is an free-will, choice based, arraignment, by faith in this dispensation.

It is a good thing to feel totally worthless and ashamed, that means God, Jesus Christ gets ALL the glory, as it should be.

If you feel you have never done anything right, you have in fact done right the only thing that was expected of you: choose, in faith, Jesus Christ billions of others made the wrong choice.

Good works are something God does with (using) you as his purchased possession, not something you do for him.

2 Timothy 2:21
If a man therefore purge himself from these, he shall be a vessel unto honour, sanctified, and meet for the master's use, and prepared unto every good work. 

 

If the works were your own where is God's glory? If God is able to use someone as flawed as you to perform a good work is the glory not God's alone? as it should be.

You are doing what the bible describes:

Philippians 2:12-13 KJV
Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.


Also consider:
Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.
Luke 7:47


Were you forgiven much, or little?

I can only speak for myself, ...those times the bible lists various sins, I've done nearly the whole list many times over (and the others in my mind),  God has (unexpectedly) used me to do things I was certainly not capable of, removed sins from my life I thought was impossible; this is an on-going process.

The flesh, your worldly mind and thoughts. will fight you because the flesh resists submission, craves sin.

The fiercest battleground (being a soldier) can be in your own mind.


"maybe he didn't do it for me"

What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it? 
Luke 15:4
Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, Make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is wellpleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. 
Hebrews 13:20-21


"maybe there is no grace for me"

And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work: (As it is written, He hath dispersed abroad; he hath given to the poor: his righteousness remaineth for ever. 
2 Corinthians 9:8-9


"I don't want to live anymore"

For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself. For whether we live, we live unto the Lord; and whether we die, we die unto the Lord: whether we live therefore, or die, we are the Lord's. For to this end Christ both died, and rose, and revived, that he might be Lord both of the dead and living. 
Romans 14:7-9


------

Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. 
Romans 5:1-6


Sorry if that is an ill-formed patchwork of things, wanted you to have something to think on, while others, may take time to eventually craft a more helpful, more accurate, response.

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